Beauty and me!!!

I got a new hair do two days ago and I took some photos and happily send it over to my boy friend,
and he replied me, something like this;

'I know you are not a pretty girl,
but you don't have to show people how can you look so ugly ( I did wear some make up, eye liner and lip stick which, in his opinion, doesn't suit me really well)

I am not shocked, I am not surprised cuz I know how I look. And I ve been receiving so many negative comments from people these days that I feel too numb to get hurt.

I was brought up in a place where people are crazy for fair skin. And there was always discrimination against the dark skin color girls. Even my mom was a bit embarrassed to introduce me, being the darkest one among siblings and other cousins, to others. She was like ' this is my daughter, I don't know how come she is so dark among all' and so on. Looking back, I was such a coy girl who was afraid to go out. I feel like I was an outcast of this huge family. The more I grew up, the more I felt inferior and insecure looking at myself and I started to wear like a guy thinking that it might be more suitable for me to dress up like a guy rather than a girl. I think the reason I was trying hard to get the top of the class was simply because I wanted my momma to be proud of me at least being a smart girl if she couldn't be proud for not having a beautiful girl. I was an ugly duckling. After I hit puberty, I looked worse, ha ha. I become a bit rowdy like a guy sometimes or else I would just sit in a corner like a loner and keep quiet. I felt more confident when I dressed up like a guy. I hated myself so much for being ugly and being considered as ugly.

I completely transformed myself to a tom boy when I moved to Yangon after high school. I always wore man sandal, big pants, and T shirt. I think I can pull off a guy's look pretty well cuz all the guys started to call me 'bro' and you know, I was proud of that. Once I wear a skirt, that is when all my confidence gone with the wind. I feel so insecure, so shy and so uncomfortable in girl's wear. After I came to Singapore, I think all my classmates would remember me as a fierce looking, tomboyish girl who never smile. But I am proud to say that my sense of humor never disappear since young. I was always the one who made the house hold laugh, who still can joke even when I fall sick and almost fainted. Anyway, for that reason, I have a group of good friends in my poly years I believe.

I started to transform since my early third year poly. I started to wear a bit versatile dress and wanted to look good. Looking back, I see myself as a pathetic little girl who was trying so hard to look sophisticated at that moment. I started to try out a bit more revealing outfit and such. Still I was a complete tom boy in my mind and struggling with my insecurity really hard.

That was until one day, I saw a girl, who was on the wheel chair. I still remembered that she was wearing pink color dress. Her legs were sort of like, paralyzed and she was wearing a beautiful black shoe with a pink color ribbon. Her face was full of make up and wearing lipstick and was smiling brightly. I was looking at her and overheard when she said something to her mom; I feel beautiful today. IAnd I come to realize a bit that It is not all about whether you look beautiful or ugly. Its all how you feel of yourself that is, in my translation, to care for yourself more and not to underestimate ownself. Forget about those people who said you don't look good. Ignore those eyes which seems to laugh at you when you wear something. Sometimes, you are thinking they might think that you don't look good. And guess what, its wrong. You wont be inside their mind for more than a split second.

Since then, I started to notice girls around me. I saw a very dark girl wearing tank top and tight jean exposing all the fats from tummy and I think she looked cool, the reason being the way she carried herself was cool. And I found that I always compared myself to fair and slim Chinese girls younger than my age and feel depressed. I regret that my younger age was wasted without noticing such things. And I decided to bring up my confidence level and changed myself to feel good and that day, I bought my first miniskirt. :)

I found its not possible for every girls to be as perfect as they want to be. I started analyzing my body and listed down my good features and I realized that I look not that bad.

1. My skin is brown but at least, it is smooth and healthy looking.
2. My body is not out of shape and a little of fat in the tummy is unavoidable for every girls so I am fine with that.
3. I have awesome boobs.
4. My eyes are beautiful although I have big eye bags.
5. My nose looks Ok, at least I don't have a damn flat nose.
6. Although I am not tall, I m not a dwarf. he he... just being optimistic.
7. I don't have beautiful legs but they look OK when I wear the miniskirt.
8. Although my lips looks a bit dark colored, I think they are attractive.
9. I am healthy, no major illness and I am not disabled and this is freaking reason I should be so happy with.

A mere comment from somebody can affect how I think of myself?? No, it wont. If I take it very seriously and think too much, definitely I ll get hurt. I will wear make up when I feel like wearing it. Do people vomit when they see you?? do they faint?? NO?? then you are fine.

Bear it in mind that people don't care about ur death as much as their headache. Don't always think that they are laughing at you because you wear something different. Tomorrow, wear something different, something colorful and something edgy and have fun.

Now ask me again whether I feel good about myself ; I really do feel good in my own skin. Do I need a surgery to look better than I am now? Why do I need it when I am already beautiful?? I believe today I look better than yesterday and tomorrow, I will look better than today.

Stay cool and smile always,
Khine